Update.
It has certainly been a while since I was steadily active on here (or anywhere really). I first joined this site when I was around 13/14 years old. Now look at me, I just turned 27... Back then, I would spend hours and hours just drawing, writing, creating these characters and stories and then when I went to bed, I would just continue to think about those things until I’d fall asleep. I was constantly cranking out character sheets/apps, joining RP groups, losing myself in the best RPs and meeting some amazing people.
Of course, we always think our old stuff is shit (even now), but at least I had passion then. At least I enjoyed it. Before I felt like I needed to make my passion something I could monetize/ build a career off of… I was just having fun. It was all purely for my enjoyment, something to distract me from everyday life. God, it used to just bring me so much joy and all throughout my school days and hard times, I could think about these interesting characters and possible scenarios and what I wanted to say/draw.
It goes without saying, life is hard, existing is hard, and we just do what we can and hope for the best; hope that is good enough.
I tried to go to school, I originally wanted to study art history. I liked it. But I couldn’t follow through on it and I felt like such a failure; I mean, the time and money I wasted… Whatever. I got married and moved to Germany where my husband was stationed. In less than a year, my father’s health deteriorated so quickly, and I wasn’t able to be there for him in this pivotal time period. There is so much to say about my loss and the depths of grief I have felt, and continue to feel, but here is obviously not the place. That was all within 2019. And then then the pandemic happened, and we all know fucked up that whole situation was- is?
I was in a foreign country during a global pandemic, and I couldn’t get a job, I had no real friends, my dad just died, and I felt like complete utter shit… It was so, so easy to slip into depression and spiral out with overwhelming alcoholism and a detached outlook on life, detached sense of self. At times, I really did want to die. The absolute disregard I had for my own health and wellbeing had a negative effect not only on myself, but also to those close to me. It is so easy to forget that there are other people in your world, not just you… All I can say is, I am so, so grateful for those who continue to stick by me, continue to check in on me, and believe in me. I know I can be a huge drag. I truly feel blessed to know some amazing people, the best people, and I fear that I am not worthy of their kindness.
Truthfully, a part of me had always hoped that something within me would just ‘click’, and I would get my shit together. I would finally do something “amazing” with my art/writing–start a series or something and that I’d be able to just… make money and live off my creative works. I realize that is foolish of me, but hey, that’s every artist’s dream, I assume.
I am starting a nursing program in January. That’s what I want to do now, and I am very excited about this new chapter in my life. I also feel like I am mourning a certain part of myself… It’s hard to explain.
I’ve always been mainly an OC artist. I very rarely, if ever, do fanart and I understand that original work from a nobody hardly excites anybody. I don’t know what else to say about that. I’m a nobody in the art community, always have been. I used to care so much about getting some kind of commendation for the work I did/time I put in. I know I’m not entitled to anything like that, but I’m sure every artist understands the feeling.
I just want to have fun and actually enjoy my art again. For years, I have over-thought every little thing that I would simply kill my own spirit, my own passion for projects I had loved dearly, projects I had with close friends. I feel like I had not only let myself down, but also my friends who I’m sure had high hopes for me, but… ah…
Sometimes I would put so much pressure on myself that I would just quit before I could “fail”. I’m tired of doing that, tired of selling myself short.
That all being said, I will now commit to only doing art for the sake of my enjoyment. If I am not having fun doing it, then I will simply not do it. I do not care to have a huge number of followers; I do not care to make stuff that I think the masses will like. My only goal is to enjoy making art, have fun, and make friends over writing/art like I used to. Fuck the pressure.
I don’t know. I just want to have fun again; have passion again. I’m tired of caring so much about the wrong shit. I only want to do what fuels my soul, and that’s it. If you’ve read everything up to this point, I applaud you, and I sincerely thank you. I think deep down we all just want to be “known”, have a connection.
I really truly am grateful to have made it to 27. It sometimes feels strange to be in my late 20’s when young me wasn’t sure if I’d even be alive this long.
Thank you to everyone who chooses to stick around, check in on me, and continue to be a friend to me. I know I am not always the best company but gosh, do I feel blessed to know the people that I do.
Here’s to another year of existing and growing, with love~
Spooks 💖